Starts With Goodbye
by Puzzle1481
Summary: Clark deals with the repercussions of his actions in Crimson and finally comes to a decision. Chlark


Hey everyone, I'm a long-time reader but this is my first actual posting. I've had the idea bouncing around in my head since reading the spoilers for "Crimson," and it wouldn't let me be until I wrote it down. The rationale for Chloe's actions is based on the song "Starts With Goodbye" by Carrie Underwood, which is posted at the end of the story. Thanks, and I hope you enjoy it.

Clark paused as he entered the Daily Planet's hectic basement, taking in the chaos as the reporters rushed to meet their deadlines. The craziness served to distract him for a moment, but when he saw the familiar blond head bent over her desk, reality came rushing back. Clark squirmed uncomfortably, recalling his hurtful words from three nights ago. He hadn't spoken to Chloe yet, a thought which increased the guilty wrench in his stomach. The truth was that he really didn't know what to say to her. He definitely hadn't meant his cruel jab at her previous feelings for him. Chloe had been nothing but a fantastic friend to him, especially since they had been able to share in his secret, and she had not deserved his condescension. His course of action based on that part of the encounter was clear enough: he needed to apologize and throw himself on her mercy as soon as possible. What had given him no peace, however, was that casually said taunt about considering a relationship with her. Clark didn't know how to deal with the possible implications of _that_ statement, especially when his own feelings were in such a confused jumble. True, he had begun to feel differently about Chloe long before the coming of Zod, but then Jimmy had shown up. She had finally seemed so happy that he had squashed his budding feelings, once more allowing his infatuation with Lana to come to the forefront. If what his mother had said was true, that maybe those feelings for Chloe weren't really gone, Clark didn't know what to do about it. Even though he had waited for three days hoping to come to some decision, he hadn't had any success. Besides the fact that Chloe was still happy with Jimmy, Clark didn't want to risk their friendship when he was fairly certain she no longer felt the same about him. He couldn't remember the last time she was as genuinely happy as she appeared to be on Valentine's Day. Could he really turn everything upside down for her again by revealing that he was seriously thinking about a relationship with her? Clark knew that he needed to be absolutely certain about what he wanted before broaching the idea with her, but right now, he was running out of time. He had already delayed this meeting for three days, and Chloe deserved his apology.

With a deep breath, Clark started forward, weaving his way through the maze of cluttered desks. He kept his eyes on Chloe the whole time, watching her pouring over a stack of papers before focusing solely on her face. She looked pale, Clark thought with a worried pang. The exuberance that usually radiated from her while she was working at the Planet was missing, and the room seemed darker because of its absence. She kept her eyes downcast, and even though she appeared to be reading, her eyes had a pensive, far-off look. Clearly, whatever paperwork she was looking at, was not what was occupying her attention so fully.

As Clark neared, he noticed that her eyes were also red-rimmed and slightly puffy. With a jolt he realized that she had been crying. He knew that his words had been cruel, but she had known that he wasn't himself… His thoughts trailed off, as he realized that maybe that explanation wasn't going to be enough anymore. Unconsciously, he quickened his pace until he stood beside her desk before he realized his primary defense may have just been thrown out.

When she failed to acknowledge him, he took the plunge and said softly, "Chloe."

With a start, Chloe looked up at him and for a split second, her eyes radiated so much pain that Clark almost took a step back. The next moment, however, the hurt quickly vanished, her eyes narrowing as she frowned. "Hey Clark, feeling better I see," she stated succinctly, turning away to shut down her desktop.

"Umm, yeah, the Red K's completely worn off, I think, thanks to my mom," Clark replied nervously. He had been expecting Chloe to either be understanding or completely furious, but he hadn't expected the passive aggression. He wasn't sure how to respond to her behavior, so he ended up rambling like an idiot.

"Good, that's good. Oh, sorry to disappoint, but Lois won't be making you any new mixed CDs in the near future she's back to normal too," Chloe stated, still not looking up at him.

"Yeah, I know. She actually stopped by yesterday to umm…clarify some of things that happened while she was affected." Chloe's shoulders seemed to stiffen at the mention of Lois' visit before she slumped down in her chair once more. He continued quickly, "Listen, Chloe, I wanted to talk to you about what I said at the party --"

"Clark," Chloe interrupted him quickly, "you don't need explain. I know about the red…the cause for why you acted like you did. Your inhibitions were gone, right, so you can't really be held responsible for your actions, can you?"

There was something bitter and overwhelmingly despondent in Chloe's tone that belied her rather innocuous words. Clark felt his guard go up; already, this conversation was not going like he had planned, and he had a feeling that it was heading onto more dangerous ground.

Before he could reply, Chloe sighed as she stood up from her desk, finally looking at him fully for the first time. The anger was gone from her expression, but the despondency had returned. "I'm sorry, Clark, I didn't mean that to come out like it did. I know that you would never do anything to purposely hurt me. I shouldn't have implied that you would." She bent down to pick up her purse. "I can't really discuss this with you right now, Clark. Besides, I have some things that I need to get done."

Confused, Clark trailed after her. "Fine, can we talk later tonight when you're done? We could grab dinner or coffee or something? Whatever you're feeling like, it's your choice."

Chloe turned around slowly and looked up at him. "No Clark, that's not what I mean. Right now, I can't see being able to have this discussion anytime in the foreseeable future. I just…things have gotten really complicated lately, and I need time to re-evaluate some things in my life."

Clark stared dumbly at Chloe, his mind refusing to process what she had just said. She needed time to think…he felt the blood drain from his face as his heart sank. Chloe just stood there looking up at him sadly.

"Chloe, if you need to figure things out, I can help. I mean, you've been there for me for, for everything, and you're my best friend…"

Chloe shook her head quickly before grabbing his arm and pulling him into the copy machine alcove for more privacy. Through his jumbled thoughts, Clark felt a quick pang of shame when he remembered his and Lois' heated make-out session in this very space. He quickly pushed the memory away and focused his attention back on Chloe, who was just closing the sliding door.

"Chloe, if this has to do with what happened the other night, I know that things are messed up, but that's why I came to talk to you."

"Two days later Clark," she replied quietly. "You couldn't have come to me sooner? You threw me another curve ball and then just left me to deal with the repercussions alone."

"No Clark, you don't understand. When I found Jimmy, I thought that it was my chance to finally move on with someone else and be happy. And it was working too, but now I'm right back where I started from. Jimmy can't understand our relationship, Clark, and I can't say that I blame him. Yesterday I was defending your actions at Lex and Lana's engagement party, and I obviously couldn't give a good explanation like 'hey, he wasn't himself. He inadvertently got infected by some meteor rock, and, well, you know, aliens will be aliens.' He couldn't understand why I cut you all kinds of slack when he knows that I would never do the same for anyone else. Jimmy broke up with me Clark." Chloe's voice wavered and broke slightly, but she took a deep breath and continued. "He doesn't think that I'm over you, and he got tired of waiting around. And you know what's even better? Your one off-handed comment about having considered a relationship with me got to me so much that I couldn't even come up with the words or the desire to change his mind. How pathetic is that?" Chloe gave a sharp, almost hysterical little laugh before continuing. "One freaking glimmer of hope from you, and before you know it, I'm breaking up with one of the sweetest guys ever."

Clark tried to squash the flicker of happiness that sprung up at the mention of their breakup, bringing himself back to the current conversation.

"You're my best friend, and I love you Clark, but I'm not like you. I can't survive purely on the relationship angst of unrequited love, and I don't want to try anymore. I've never told you how important it is to me that I'm the one you can trust with your secret, the person you go to with your problems and the one who gets to help you fix them, but it's not enough anymore." Chloe looked up at him, and there were tears running down her cheeks. "Ten years from now, I don't want to be in the same place that I am now, pining over a guy who's never going to want me the way that I want him."

She paused, but Clark just stood there staring at her blankly, his mind screaming at him to say something but unable to form a coherent thought. As Clark realized that his world as he knew it was crumbling before his eyes, everything around him seemed to slow. He became acutely aware of how quickly and unevenly Chloe was breathing, and the soothing hum of the copy machines and the ticking of the clock on the wall suddenly thundered in his ears. Not knowing what else to do, he reached out for her, but Chloe took an unsteady step away from him, dashing the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. She clutched the strap of her bag as if it were a lifeline, and her knuckles were white as her hands crushed the leather into a tight wad.

"I want you to know that no matter what happens with us in the future, I will never betray your secret Clark. You will always be my best friend, first and foremost." She turned her back to him and slid open the door.

"Chloe, please…"

At his words, she paused and turned back to look at him. Her eyes were still filled with tears, but this time, she made no attempt to wipe them away.

"Goodbye Clark," she said, and then she hurried through the door and across the room towards the staircase.

Clark watched her leave, her shoulders held stiffly and her gait measured. As Clark watched her walk away from him, possibly for the last time, the confused tangle of emotions suddenly crystallized clearly in his mind, and he felt his eyes well with tears. This past year, he had constantly denied what he was feeling under the pretense of not wanting to hurt Chloe. She had found someone else that made her happy; who was he to go to her after everything he had put her through in the past? The truth of the matter, however, was that he had been hurt and trying to protect himself. When she had blown off their kiss after his return from the Phantom Zone, he had been forced to question her feelings for him. Instead of delving into that emotional mess, he had pushed it away. It was so much easier to focus on Lana, his unattainable childhood crush, who came with enough drama to occupy his attention completely. What Clark had refused to acknowledge to himself was that he didn't simply love Chloe as a friend. At some point over the past few years, she had morphed into the girl that he could picture spending his life with. This realization shook Clark to his core, but even reeling as he was from these feelings, he felt his resolve immediately strengthen. He was going to prove to Chloe that he loved her and that he was worthy of her love in return. He owed her at least that much, after years of inadvertently causing her a great deal of pain. As Clark watched Chloe disappear through the doors at the top of the stairs, his tears dried and he smiled a little, a plan already forming in his mind. He was finished disappointing Chloe, and he was finally going to be the man that she had always believed him to be.

"Starts With Goodbye"Carrie Underwood

I was sitting on my doorstep,

I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,

But I knew I had to do it,

And he wouldn't understand.

So hard to see myself without him,

I felt a piece of my heart break,

But when you're standing at a cross road

There's a choice you gotta make.

Refrain:

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,

I guess I'm gonna have to cry,

And let go of some things I've loved

To get to the other side.

I guess it's gonna break me down,

Like falling when your trying to fly

It's sad that sometimes moving on with the rest of your life

starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,

Somewhere up ahead just waiting for me.

Getting there means leaving things behind,

Sometimes life's so bittersweet.

Refrain

Time, time heals

The wounds that you feel,

Somehow, right now

Refrain


End file.
